Monday, January 24, 2005

really?

I feel inclined to ask myself questions everytime i experience a certain feeling. Over the years, I've developed a fixation towards self-examination. The constant need to check myself hinders me from taking risks and being open. It turns me into such a bore and makes me so demn predictable.
Am I real? I find myself sometimes refering to people as posers or wannabes..... am I the pot calling the kettle black? Are we all guilty of being somewhat un-real at some point in our life?
Am I, what I am? well....actually....what exactly AM i?
I say I love contemporary art and Indie music. Did I condition myself to to like those somewhere along the line? I know I condition myself when it comes to feeling. Like I cut myself short and do not let let my heart override my mind. Conditioning keeps me in comfortable places that will sooner or later cause me to implode. But I feel in control.
If I can do that consiously, then maybe I could have subconsiously conditioned myself to be this person that I'm not. Maybe instead of being 'grunge' (according to Weeliem) , I was sposed to be this boy-band loving bimbo chick who's into clothes and make-up and watever else ditsy girls are into!
*shudder*
I sure hope I ain't as screwed up as that. Or I'd shoot myself.
Just a thought. Scrub that. Scary.
I'm just me.

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