Tuesday, September 27, 2005

What it's like

Posted by hydrafly at 02:27 pm on September 27th, 2005.

Its like looking forward to opening your presents on christmas morning only to find the tree bare. That's how I feel every morning.

It's like leaving an alcoholic alone in a wine cellar and saying "You can do it! You can overcome alcoholism".
I'm no alcoholic though. Just suicidal. And alone.

It's like Sex In The City when all you need is The OC.

It's like Elf, when you tried to download Mr and Mrs Smith.

It's like all kind words when all you need is a hug.

It's like saying "I don't know what to say!" when all you could have said was "I still love you honey"

You really don't know what it's like...
Thank you Jia Wern!
Scott Mallone - What We Are Made Of
is on repeat on my player

Woke up with a headache. I've been clenching my jaw in my sleep again. How do you stop doing that which you are not aware of? I need to see an orthodentist or maybe even try some form of relaxation technique.
One friend suggested kickboxing. Another yoga. Hehh. All that jaw clenching, teeth grinding action leaves me exhausted in the mornings. But thank God I loveeeee mornings! I love waking up to see light filtering in through the windows. I love the sound of birds chirping and the sound of the waves rushing to meet the shore. Owh wait, that's just the bathroom flushing.
These townhouses are real nice but then you get to hear your neighbours every move! The dude upstairs still keeps stomping around at three or four am. I can even hear the lady next door answering her phone or the family mengaji Quran every week.
Had dinner with a friend yesterday! Was great seeing you again! Didn't realise that it has been almost a year since we last met up! lol. Time sure does sneak up on us real fast! I'll be seeing more of you I hope. *grin*
Well back to work now!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

wedding bliss~!~!

Joel Liew & Fonie Wong got married yesterday! It was a BEAUTIFUL wedding! I spent half the day decorating the church on friday, and woke up early on Saturday to head to Port Dickson to pick the bride up and basically spent the whole day behind my camera lens! They don't read blogs but, CONGRATULATIONS you guys~!~! *grin*
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Calls unanswered
Messages unheard
She cries in vain
In a world full of pain
No one understood.
No one thought she would.
She couldn't tell her full story
No, she wasn't a phoney
People cared but they couldn't help
All that's left is this suicide note
Cause today, it's too late
She's already dead...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Bamboo Ladder

I want a bamboo ladder. Dun ask me why. I just want one. SO if you know where to get a bamboo ladder. Just leave me a message alrighty?

Whitey might be back this evening! Weehoo!

Songs that soothed my pensive ghost:
Frou Frou - Let Go
Plumb - Cut
Rufus Wainright - Across the Universe
Jimmy Eat World - Drugs for Me
The Album Leaf - The Audio Pool
The Album Leaf & Sigur Ros - Streamside
Everlast - Broken
KT Tunstall - Heal Over
Explosions In The Sky
- Your Hand In Mine
- Home
- To West Texas
- The Sky Above, The Field Below
- Snow & Lights
- Remember me as a time of day
- Six days at the bottom of the ocean
- Yasmin The light

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

seasons of change...

I realise that at times when you're trying hard, real hard to keep a positive outlook on life and trying real hard to just live and do the best you can, it seems like something or someone does you a disfavour and turns your world all higgledy-piggledy.

Well it feels like my past few weeks have been utterly f*ked up, but although I'm upset and all I feel okay inside. Like I can do this. I can handle whatever shit life's throwing me today.

And I can't stop singing this song:

"Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God"

Chris Tomlin - How Great IS Our God

And of course I think you've played a big part in the change in me. Thank you for your support. Thank you for surprises at night, for being my chauffeur =p, for being so loving, for understanding, for being my pillar of strength, for being my 'good thing' in the midst of a bad season. I thank God for you every day.
Plus, Cyber dudes and duddettes, you guys are rocking friends! Thanks for your prayers! Morning Glory's da bomb! My eye's much better! Woohoo!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Porn Star
real good story. Darn sad....but...well watever just go read it.

Whitey's at the workshop. Gear box died. I'm so screwed. Horrible day but thank God for surprises that come at night time.

Monday, September 19, 2005

What makes me happy:

  • The sweet aroma of coffee first thing in the morning.
  • A hug.
  • Finding the perfect sentence or paragraph in a book.
  • Getting complimented. Be it for a new hair-cut or a flattering outfit - really makes your day.
  • The experience of when you bag a real good bargain. Especially true when it is an item you've been eyeing for some time.
  • Watching old fashion cartoons.
  • Getting personal e-mails and not forwarded crap for a change.
  • Receiving flowers or a gift on any other day other than your birthday.
  • Having your pet greet you when you come home from work.
  • A bubble bath complete with candles, music, and a really good book.
  • A rainbow stretching across the sky.
  • Walking by the beach.
  • A good night's sleep.

wats new...

Went to catch Knil Army at the WorldPeace Day celebration as Times Square. They were awesome, crowd was lala sorry to say, but, we had fun!
Chilled with a buddy! Totally like The Terminal ehh. Wish I was getting on the train heading to the airport too. Hanging at Sentral is so calming. I love 'people watching'. Was great catching up with you. I'm still into bassists. =p

On a sadder note, I'm scarred. Demn Rove Beetle
Well, praying for a smooth recovery. No scars in Jesus name!

I'm suddenly missing my bassists, my best friend, my laughing buddy, my rockstar, my old roomie, my celebrity friend, my coffee friend, my milo boy, and my lifeles friend.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


Still trying.
Thanks for praying.
Not a very good morning.
But an awesome evening.
Was worth the drive.
Stomach feels better.
Swollen eye feels better.
We should do that more often.
I'm at peace.
Still delirious.
Ahhh.... BLISS~~

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It ain't about the presents!

Today I woke up thinking about Christmas. I know it's a looooong way off. But yeah. I'm thinking about Christmas. I LOVE the hustle n bustle leading up to the day. I love the shopping and the wrapping of presents and the carols and most of all, I love my time back home in Penang with my family.
Whenever you're feeling down, people say you should find your 'happy place'. I think mine would be my living room in BM, after church on Christmas Eve where ALL of us would be gathered.Tired cause it's 1am and we had just spent the whole day doing our last minute shopping and baking and cooking but excited nonetheless about opening our stash of presents. It's just a calmness I get knowing that I'm surrounded by awesome parents and siblings and aunts and uncles and my grandma and my cousins.
It's different every year. Like we might have guest over or we might be housing some unfortunate people or whatever. Or I might have just gotten into a fight with my dad about piercing or I might have burnt my brothers pants while ironing it or we might find some relatives drunk even before dinner but that's what makes the season real. Irritating, funny, crazy but Real. =p
Boy do I love my family!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm tired.
I just woke up but I feel like I was running a marathon the whole night. To be sound asleep yet dreaming of a dozen artless miseries.
It's not like I wanna be in this place. It's not like I've put myself here. Heck I don't even know what this place is. But it really sucks.
You don't understand what it's like. Well I am trying. I still feel like I'm doin this alone. Heh. Maybe I am. He's here i know. But a lil' bit of human encouragement wouldn't hurt right.
This isn't real. I hate to have to keep talking to myself to calm myself down. Or to keep having to tell myself It will all be okay. I can't seem to convince myself anymore.
Hehh....whatever. Go back to your blissful lives.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Although it might not seem so now.....
but yeah....He's awesome.
I'm sorry I doubted.
I'm sorry I lost it.
Need that Joy.
Need that strength.

" I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber." Psalm 121:1-3

Monday, September 12, 2005

screw this.
Read Deric's blog and decided that i shud stop emo posts for now and put up something happy too!
Here's pictures from Whisper which i like very very much. Pictures taken with a Nikon Coolpix 8700.

Wonderfully captured scenes, faces, people and things make me happy.
Waiting for the day i'll be as good as that.....

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I'm feeling.....
*clears throat*
stupid day.
stupid Watsons manager at Klang Parade.
stupid Biore exchange programme.
stupid people at Integrated Expressions.
stupid automatic gate which doesnt respond to the stupid remote control.
stupid Bangsar house with its dumbass yellow lights.
I'm goin to bed.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so alone
relief exist I find it when
I am cut

Plumb - Cut

what a blow...

After being absent from the cyber world I excitedly signed on to my Y! messenger only to get such disturbing news. A friend of mine whom I've known since Alpha passed away last Merdeka.
We weren't like the kind of friends who hung out every other day or had endless conversations online. But it was more of a silent closeness. The kind where after not seeing one another for a few months we could just pick up where we left off and start talking bout everything under the sun.
We started off going to the same church. At that time I was still scouting around for churches and I think I was in my 2nd or 3rd week at uni. We ended up in the same van headed for Christian Life Centre PJ. He introduced himself as Linda and flashed me his wide, white smile. I remember saying "Hey you've got the same name as my mother!" We laughed and he explained that he was named after his grandmother.
We didn't see much of each other around campus except maybe during CF. But then I drifted off and eventually so did he. But we still talked online. And I remember him sending me all sorts of songs in Zulu and some other South African dialect. He was surprised to hear I was a fan of Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
After I moved out of campus we saw even less of each other except for the occasional events around campus or when we went out clubbing. We talked a lot, danced a lot during those times. We hung out last in April. He arrived late. It was right after exams. He was 'drowning' his sorrows. I was celebrating the end of Uni life. Who knew it would be our last conversation. Our last dance. Our last drink together.
I knew I should have said more. I knew I should have told him to go slow. I knew i should have invited him back to CF. I knew I should have encouraged him to cut down. I did. I know I did. But it's 'in his blood' so he said.
What would I have said if I could have seen him one last time? What would I do differently? What would I change?
Your memory remains.....Linda Samuel Mnotoza

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Home was good.
'Whitey' brought us back to KL safely.
Slept a whole lot! Much deserved rest. =)

Some people should learn to grow up. Some people should learn when to practice discretion. Some people should learn not to take things too literally. And some people should just go screw themselves. =D

And you should just forget everything I said. =p