Tuesday, October 31, 2006

on being 20

First of all, i have to say.... its great being 20!!!!

........
owhh come on!!!! 3 years ain't that much of a difference! okok its great being 23 too. :p
Thank you for showing up and for the pizza and enormous cake and the BJ game (we shall never bring that up again! and NEVER play it again either)

November's a day away and i'm freaking out!!!
There's still so much to do and the GIG is approaching fast and NAGLP is still not up yet and work's piling up!

But its all GoOd~! I need the stress right about now. Need to be kept occupied. But I also need to find that quiet space. Where i tune out the world and tune in to TheBigGuy.fm

Sometimes, things just get so crazy and you get so caught up in trying to do things right. You plan and practice and life becomes one big ritual. It's more than just singing 5 songs during worship and keeping a sharing under 45 minutes. Its more than just playing 4/4 bars and playing a song in E instead of a D.

Right now.... I don't wanna be weighed down by stuff which aren't going right. I know the past few months have been pretty much a mess. I'm sorry but I just can't be bothered anymore. Relationships, responsibilities.... blehh. Screw it.

I love being in control of what i do. If things aren't goin well, i try and fix it. I can't help being nice. I hate it when people keep saying i'm "nice". Makes it sound like "owh, Mel's nice! what a pushover!" I wish I could be real mean. Maybe I am sometimes. But I've arrived at that place where i begin to Let Go and Let God. I can't be everything for everyone. I can barely even keep myself afloat.

Anyway.... this isn't exactly where i was planning to take this post, but owh well, still.... all's good.

23 ROCKS!!
It's like Michael Jordan's number man. You definately can't go wrong at 23.

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Friday, October 27, 2006

23

Jimmy Eat World - 23

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets


You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

today i read....

As I Walked Out One Evening
by W. H. Auden

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
'Love has no ending.

'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,

'I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.'

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.


'In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

'In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

'Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.

'O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

'O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

'O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.'

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

stand in you alone

Stand
by Reuben Morgan

Take my heart
Take my whole life Lord
I am Yours
Everything to be for You an offering

I stand in You alone
My hope is in no other name
I trust in what i can't see
Though the storms are raging
I stand on You alone

In this world
For me to live is Christ
To see Your face i know is life
So i will live to worship You

I stand in You alone
My hope is in no other name
I trust in what i can't see
Though the storms are raging
I stand on You alone

I surrender all
I surrender all to You
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've got 5 more weeks to get in shape. I'm still not there yet. Lord i'm not worthy. And i definately can't do this alone. I keep asking myself "Why me?" and what are You trying to teach me. I still don't get it. These ups and downs. I don't know what's real anymore. How I long to just hear you again.
And you came to me in a song. Yes Lord i surrender all to you....

I'm deeply encouraged by you. Just thought you should know that. I'm picking myself up again, and pressing on.

I'm happiest when i'm with you guys. Today i'm aching and bruised. But it's the right kind of aches and bruises. :)
Lets Break~!

--------------------------------------------------------
How Great A Father's Love

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

i did it again.....
sigh...
dumbass.

btw, tag-board ain't working.
It's deleted now.
no one leaves tags anyway.
this whole talking to myself thing is turning out pretty okay.
heh.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

created to create

God is the greatest artist to ever exist. If there is one living thing that understands the need to create, it is Him. I wish I could say i chose to be a designer because i was inspired by God. Inspired by the wonder of creation and the need to create which was built deep in the very core of me.

Heh.

More than often, i think i suck at what I do, and perhaps i became a designer by chance instead of just by choice. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy what i do, but that doesn't necessasarily mean I'm good at what i do.

There's like a million things I love doing which fall under the 'Design & Art' category. None of which I would consider my forte, but I enjoy it nonetheless. It keeps me going. It gives me reason to wake up each morning. The unfinished painting, the cross stitch half done, the song half written, the design in progress, the website under construction...

I'm no musician yet I will write song lyrics that may never be sung. I will bluff my way through writing guitar riffs that may never be played. I will record musical ramblings that will likely never see the light of day.

As with designs, there's some which i've put up on walls while some are just taking up disc space. There's many more i have yet to transfer from mind to paper, and the others... are the most atrocious things you've laid eyes upon. I should have given up by now....

But when tomorrow comes, I will sate my thirst to create. I'll keep on at it. Cause well, that's what i've grown to love doing. It’s hard to keep going when your strengths or deeds go unnoticed. No one appreciates good art eh. Its all subjective so they say. And I do get tired. When the daily routine becomes more draining and i feel like i'm not giving of myself. Perhaps I need to re-prioritize, remember dreams, and run after them.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

we're good now

i almost fell off my chair when you messaged me....
it's been far too long.
boy do i miss you.
our pool sessions, our long conversations, dancing, the music, you and your weird Japanese experimental rock, me and well.... yeah whatever i listen to.

Thank you for being so honest with me. I've missed the openess. Just miss talking to you. Things were so much simpler back in Alpha & Beta. Thank you for seeing me just the way I am. I'm surprised you even remember what I was like. I'm still pretty much the same. All the feelings seem so familiar. Yet i know, that's one path i won't be walking down again. The longing for things long gone. New memories seem harder to make when we're harping on all the old ones.

"I never knew you can be so down. All you ever did was smile. It was hard to see you cry. Now it's growing in you. At times ... don't think too much between the lines. Or you'll become like me. Jaded."

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Monday, October 09, 2006

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
wishing i was here...

i want my blue skies!!!!!
the gloominess is getting to me.
still waiting for the sun to shine.

I wonder if its hazy there too...
owh well, i hope today's better for you too.

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

i'm gonna be...

ignoring you.
yes, the whole lot of you.
have a pleasant week without me.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Note to self:

DO NOT use slang words that no one else but you (and a select few who are just as odd as you) understand.

words include: bunga, miannnn, twangiowww (yes Chingz, its a sound more than a word), blehh, blergh, jengjengjeng, terengtengteng, babibodohbangang, twhochat!, bzzzz, fizzzzzz, spiff, goob.

All not used in its right context.
heh.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

what's the opposite of a nightmare?

When you're sick and pumped up on meds, you tend to dream bout the weirdest stuff ever!

I dreamt, I was having ice-cream with you. We were at Baskins and we'd ordered this HUGEE bowl of Chocolate chip, Butter Peacan and a Caramel something or another. The others were there too and it seemed like a scene out of an Archie comic. You know, where the gang's all gathered at the Chocklit Shop having sodas and ice-cream.
And then i woke up feeling hungry, and missing all you guys a lot!! Feels like we haven't hung out in ages!! *sigh..*

Awhile later, I dreamt I was gonna run a marathon. So I was at this really nice field with hundreds of other people. And the gun went off and i started to run. I was at the leading pack when i realised... everyone else behind was walking....and i thought, ehh... that's strange. So i looked around and there was this huge banner that said "WALKathon" So i slowed down and then i was being cut by all these people who seemed to be walking faster than me. And what d'ya know... i came in last. Even old folks and kids with their dogs had cut me off.
Blehh.... dumb dream. But then again.... it was sort of entertaining cause as i was walking i kept seeing Jason Han doing back flips. Just so bizzare i tell ya!

And in between all that was strewn with snippets of conversations i had throughout the day. Most of which was the conversation I had with you. Thanks for calling. It was just great to hear your voice again. Although I probly have never said it before, but I miss you a whole lot.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

ugh!

yea yea..
shoot me somebody!

never ever you say?
well lookit' what we have here...
rub some salt and chili padi on while you're at it.

Blehh.

Monday, October 02, 2006

mending

I'm getting lazy these days. Blogging doesn't come as easily. Maybe cause i tend to compartmentalize my thoughts and now there's just too much to say and so much more which i can't say.

Anyway, a new week has begun and there's alreday so much i've got to do and so much i've got to catch up on. I took off for the weekend, to a place I consider my sanctuary. I just needed the space and time.

I enjoyed the company. the food and my time with The Big Guy. Just the thing i so needed. Thank you for having me over and for the awesome time there. And thank you for making the trip even more wothwhile. Was great seeing you again.

It's October. Another month I usually dread. But things seem different this year. Maybe growing older ain't so bad after all.