Sunday, March 25, 2007

...

Over the past couple of days, i've heard some stuff which has left me feeling sort of uneasy... things which have made me realise that the saddest thing in life is when you don't live up to your full potential. Or when you don't realise that you're meant for so much more.

Life can be very unforgiving and i do not want to be living in regrets. I've watched and learnt from others' mistakes and I wonder why I still live the way I do and settle for such mediocrity. I think sometimes we settle for 'good enough' when God has intended for us 'The BEST'

I don't think its wrong to want more. I don't mean in a material sense, but wanting more in the sense of respect and standing and being influential and wanting more in where we are in life, or where we are in our walk with God.

I feel like i've lost a lot in the last couple of months. Self worth, respect, value and maybe I've even felt a lil' lost in where i stand before God. It's sad to wake up each day not knowing what drives you. We've all read the book, but have come nowhere close to finding out what that purpose is! So for now, i'll be taking a break. From all my searching and from all my wallowing. I don't exactly know where i'm headed right now, and i hate this person i'm becoming or whom i've become.

So till i find ME again, I'll keep myself at bay. I hope you'll be patient and forgive me if i don't avail myself....
I've deleted all messages, i've emptied my mail box, maybe i'll delete my blogs. *shrug*
They all don't seem to matter anymore...

Friday, March 23, 2007

i lie....

yupps its true.....i lie a lot....
well maybe not a LOT, but... a fair bit....
i caught myself fibbing when some internet friend asked me if i was attached. "YES" flew out of my mouth before i could think twice.
I knew if i said "no", he'd start hitting on me.
.....
mel, you're so lame.

and then just recently someone asked if I was happy in my job... and again before i could stop myself, i said "Of course!! I love it!"
and then i remembered...... what job???

and more than often when people ask if I'm okay or if i've eaten, i smile a wide smile and say "Yeah!"

i claim i don't hate.....
that's sorta true.... but i do mutter obscenities at some people under my breath and curse the living daylights out of them.
But that happens for like 10 seconds. And then, i THINK i let it go.

ok i can't think of anything else i've lied about.....
but what a confession!
i must be running out of things to blog about...
*sheesh*

Thursday, March 22, 2007

2 more days

... and i'm outta here ~

*scawwy*

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


"Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option"
This is from one of the sites i read, which have truly been an inspiration.

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Earthquake~

Despite the crappy day at work, the impossible parking scenario at SS2 and some rather disturbing phone calls, i'd say our evening at Swensons was delightful~

How can you not crack a smile when you hear 3 grown guys ordering stuff like Chocolate freckles and Sticky Chewy Chocolate.

Thanks Weeliem, Deric and Affryl for a lovely evening~

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Monday, March 19, 2007

questions cont.

2) What have i learned in the past month?

- I write a lot of notes to myself which i don't take heed of
- There is no shame in what kind of house you live in, what car you drive or what phone you carry.
- Expensive food DOES NOT taste any better.
- I often indulge in cookies and that's okay.
- I hate fire crackers.
- Reading calms me.
- I love Yasmin Ahmad's movies.
- The news although depressing is actually pretty interesting.
- I actually like mandarin/canto/korean dramas. *blush*
-
I stop listening to music when i'm depressed.
- I get all moody when i haven't got my daily dose of chocolates
-
I CAN live without Jimmy.
- I'm more independent now, than any previous point in my 23 years of life.
- It is not impossible to please God.
- this isn't new, but its good to be reminded: change is the only constant

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

romantic?

i just had a rather unusual conversation with Stef today.......
Stef C: my dearest pookie, ur so wonderful, jz like a bunch of baby cakes
Stef C: my very own cutie pie, doodle bug, my firecracker, my sugar mama
melisa ann: ...
I wonder what Vijay would say if he saw this.....

*grin*
I love you too Steffie.
huhuhu.

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Friday, March 16, 2007

worry

What's life without it eh? I just wish it wouldn't hit me so often.
I like what i read today though:-
God could not be more direct. Give it up. He has had your life’s struggles, hopes and worries covered since before you were here. He’s given freedom from worry, as unbelievable as that sounds. Can you just see us, as one individual, as humanity, on God’s back needlessly yelling, "Where are we going?!", "Why aren't we there yet?!", "Why aren't you on MY back!?”—firing out our questions of who, what and where, all in an attempt to justify why we worry so much.

God has His finger outstretched, pointing, saying, "Look at this! Look what I made for you! Put your hand in Mine, let Me help you feel, smell, taste and see.” He hears our griping, yet refuses to abandon us; instead, He draws our attention to the moments dripping with opportunity to live, love and learn. But we callously trade these moments for the worrying about gaining these very things. What tragedy!
These days i let myself worry for a few hours, cry a bit if i have to and go to bed with a silent prayer. TRUST seems to be a big word for me. But I'm trying. Its hard to believe that He's got your back and He's got everything under control when you can't even see past your own two feet.

But I'm taking a chance. I'm believing for something great. Strangely, i feel assured that He'll see me through. Till then I'll look forward to opportunities where i get to live, love and learn.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

dear you...

you make me sad on Wednesdays......


*sigh*

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Monday, March 12, 2007

i wanna...

Kings Of Convenience - I'd rather dance with you

I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
So why don't we just move into the other room
There's space for us to shake, and hey, I like this tune

Even if I could hear what you said
I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read a single book all year
And the only film I saw, I didn't like it at all

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you (3x)

The music's too loud and the noise from the crowd
Increases the chance of misinterpretation
So let your hips do the talking
I'll make you laugh by acting like the guy who sings
And you'll make me smile by really getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing (4x)

(Getting into the swing...)
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you (4x)
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you
I was just watching the video for this song today and it just reminded me of some people and how we were all so passionate about dancing.
I miss that.

dancing....

Well anyway, King Of Convenience is so darn good!!! Discovered them quite awhile back and they've been playing in my playlist for the longest time.

Me likey!

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Friday, March 09, 2007

the fly that almost got me killed

i got you instead!!!!!!!
SUCKA!!!!

but please... all you other drivers out there....
ignore the fly/mosquito and concentrate on the road!!!

Despite what they say about girls being able to multitask better than guys....
not true for me.

i'm no multitasker.
I tune people out while i'm watching TV.
really.... no one else exist in this little world of mine. Disturb me when i'm watching The OC or
something and i'll snap you into little itsy bitsy pieces.
Try me.

I can't talk and type at the same time,
I can't drive and kill mosquitoes/flies at the same time. (obviously)
I can't do housework and talk simultaneously.
I can't eat while i'm reading.

But i CAN take a dump while reading.
So yeay! I can multitask after all.

(That's probrably a really uncool thing to say but... whatever. =D )

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

he longs for you...

I was reading this article about Unconditional Love and it got me thinking...

How many times have I refused Love in my life? How many times have i run away when all He wanted to do was love me more.
Face it, it can't be helped. No matter where you go, and how far you run, God still loves you.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases...

Have you ever been so mad at God, or so mad at the world that you take off in a huff and you just walk and walk till there's no where else to go or till your legs give out.
I did that once. I walked down to the lake and carried on walking till i came to a hut. It was getting dark and the place was lonely but i didnt care. In my frustration i cried out to God.

"Are you real? Do you love me? Do you even care bout all this shit i'm goin thru?"
I knew He was there.
yet.... i didn't wanna believe it.
I asked for a sign.
"If everything was gonna be okay could you just send rain or show me butterflies or a beetle!? Anything! I just wanna know that you're here. "

Silence.

After an hour or two, i started walking back towards the apartment i was staying at. Just up on the banks of the lake, near the pathway i was walking on, i saw something huge. I thought it was a crocodile at first. I swear it was HUGE. It looked almost as big as me even! I just looked at it. A monitor lizard. It stared right back at me as if challenging me to make a move. After about a minute or two, is slipped right back into the water and swam away....

"Ok God... i hear you. I asked for Butterflies! Not some killler monitor lizard!!"
As freaked out as i was, i started laughing. That was my sign. He heard me. He does have some sick sense of humor though.

Two years later, here I am. No longer running. But still seeking. For more. My heart longs for more of that love. I love this passage from this book i'm reading :
"God's version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion." - Stasi Eldredge
I want that. No one else knows how to take my breath away, or knows what makes my heart beat faster. I'm learning to Love You in a whole new way. Do you delight in me? Do I make you smile?

I hope I do.

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questions

ok enuf of senseless mumbo jumbo.
I've been thinking a lot lately, (some would eliminate the word 'lately') and i went about looking for questions.

Questions about what you ask?

Just questions.
Random questions.

That still sounds like senseless mumbo jumbo.
heh.
whatever.

Well here's no 1 on my list:

1) What do you think God enjoys doing?

I think He likes to run. Feeling the wind on your face as your adrenaline pumps and gives you this rush. Running makes me feel alive.

I think God would enjoy photography too. There's something about seeing the world through a lense. It helps me keep focused.

Reading; It's calming and lets your imagination go wild!

Writing; It's expressive. Don't you love sending or receiving lil' notes?

If God loves running, He'd love Walking. Don't let things just swish by. Walk through and stop every once in a while.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

i miss my bf-gf, my weekend housemates, my bff's and you guys who are far far away.
:(
sudden wave of nostalgia.

Filling this void with YOU.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

i wish...

that i could chill with you guys more often. I really do miss y'all terribly.



that i could be like this every once in awhile

or that i was more like this

and that i would quit doing this



but most of all....
i wish you would be okay.
And your world would be more like this.

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Monday, March 05, 2007

random rant

i hate it when christians give you such 'Christian' answers to everything.

yeah i do feel fked up every once in awhile. i can't be okay just cause YOU want me to be...

please stop saying i'm weak. you're making me doubt myself and all i can do...

I hope i'm not dragging you down, when i'm not okay....

btw,
i'm definately
not okay....

but

i'm trying to be.

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

fireflies


It's Alaling yo!

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